Got a vibraslap flexatone
Got a bigass pink guitar
Got a bongfulla bettas in my backyard
Don't tell me bout your VCR

Got a footswitch and a microphone
For my Leslie cabinets
Got a sharp nine on the G string, baby
And poppa don't take no mess

Got a sneaky little mustache
And I hope it's understood
My springs are tight, but that's alright
cuz my Whammy goes to the wood!

Got a '67 Vox Wah-Wah
from my ex-fiancee
It used to belong to her old man
but I took that shit away

Got an Ebow for the upright
That he don't ever use
I think it's cuz he's uptight
I asked, but he refuse

Got a joystick on my drum kit
Got a capo on my trombone
And I'll snatch your lips offfa your bald head
if you don't leave them alone

Bongfulla Bettas
Bongfulla Bettas

-Lem Roby


I drive the bus each morning
My eyes too red to see
Drop off a hundred children
As noisy as can be
But I don't mind kids acting crazy
It just don't bother me somehow

There ain't but one thing that can faze me
I'm gonna tell y'all bout it now

I was hung over that Monday morning
When I saw her standing there
In a bright pink jogging suit
With her light blue rinsed-out hair
She had a little old poodle dog
You know the kind that don't shut up
I'm gonna run my big yellow schoolbus
All over that stupid yappin pup

Well now you might think it's mean
To treat a dog that way
To run him down and turn him into Roadkill Dog Pate
You might turn my butt into the ASPCA
But I just can't take that old dog
Yappin one more day

I tell them kids: "Be Quiet!"
They're all like: "Yeah, 'Whatever!"
I drive that bus in floods
And all kinda nasty weather
You know I drive that bus in the snow (Chicago Snow)
You know I drive it in a fog
I'm gonna drive my big yellow schoolbus
All over your little yappin dog

Tell em about the rabbits, George!


-Lem Roby


Hello? Gladys? Yeah, it's me. Yeah, well I need a place to stay. They threw me out. Yeah, well you see, my condition isn't very good today. I'm Not Having a Good Day. Hello. Yeah, how are you? You see, back in 1985, I was choked. A man choked me. I just need a place to stay for a couple of days. Is it all right?

You miss a train, miss two days work!
They get somebody, they get somebody to fill your space.
MCI Bullsh...
Chow, Chow...
Chow Chow...

She had a typical name like Lois, or maybe Alice.
She winked at me from behind cateye glasses, Adjusted her hunchback and pulled out another Camel Straight. She was the kind of woman who plucked her eyebrows out and painted them on four inches higher."Toothless?" I thought , or something much more scary. She said: "Put the Pig Nose On, You Naughty Boy."


And then we danced the Linda Beck
Then we danced the Linda Beck
Danced the Linda Beck
Then we danced the Linda Beck

-Lem Roby/Dave Ramey

(in F# Minor)

Midnight at the porno store...
Christmas Eve, 1987
A man walked in who looked like he had a problem with the Vertical Hold
And he looked up at me outta one big bloodshot eye,
And he said: "You seen my wife in here?"

I was dubious as to how to explain to this gentleman that the last member of the fairer sex that I had seen in the establishment for at least the last several weeks had only been on videos

He then told me: she told him she was gonna come in here, buy herself a double dong and get herself a girlfriend
"I asked her where she got some crazy idea like that?
She said she seen it on Geraldo..."

I was trying to think of how to explain to him that even though we hate to turn away a paying customer, and nobody escapes without a Browse Fee, I just didn't want to talk to him. So I gave him a look.
A look sort of like this...

And he rolled his eyes further back in his head than I had ever seen a man do that before. And as he left he said two words to me that I believe are the truest things that I've ever heard. He looked at me and he said:

"I Understand Everything."

I believed him.


-Lem Roby


Bring me a double shot of Rebel Yell
Well make it two at this point, what the hell?
On second thought, just pass that bottle down to me
I'm gonna get as fucked up as I can be

Cuz I'm a Get High Motherfucker
Freaky, Funky, Fancy Free
I said a Get High Motherfucker
Don't you wanna get high with me?

Sometimes things'll go just right for you
Other times ain't a goddamn thing that you can do
Sometimes you get wrapped(rapped?rapt?) in your reality
That's the time I think you ought to
Come get high with me

Cuz I'm a Get High Motherfucker
Well, that's my philosophy
Well, I said a Get High Motherfucker
Don't you wanna get high with me?

Bring a big ol' bud of Jamaican weed
Pull out the stem, mon, throw out the seed
Tap it out, break it up, fill it up, pack it in a bowl
Light it up then pass it here before I get too old

Cuz I'm a Get High Motherfucker
They asked me: "Whatchoo wanna be?"
After careful consideration, I replied:
"I'll be a Get High Motherfucker!"
Cuz you know that's all right for me

Yeah, you know, maybe drop by the house sometime,
You know... maybe go, um, step to the backyard a
little bit you know where I keep my...
Bongfulla Bettas, Hah!
Ah, no,no! Where you going? Wait!
She must don't like fish
We could dance the Linda Beck
Go ask Elvis
Anything you wanna do
Do anything you wanna do
The bud's too big without you'
We got to Ignite It!

-Lem Roby


I went to see the Swami
I found him in his needle bed
I tried to wake him from his trance
But really he was stoned instead

He stared at me with beady eyes
The crystal ball began to glow
His voice I thought would hypnotize...
"Cross my palm with dough!"

Swami, Swami,
Hasn't even got a dime
Swami, Swami,
Fooling people all the time

We cut the cards and made a deal
The Swami's tent for just one meal
A puff of smoke, away he went,
Now I'm the owner of his tent

(it took three guys to write this...)



Please don't be scared
There's nothing there
Everybody in the house is here

Don't mind your brain
Don't make me explain
Soon it all will be perfectly clear

Now's the time to realize just what you're doing here
Welcome to the Monkey House

Gaze at the pond
And wave your magic wand
See the ring of trees, then see beyond

No need to chew
It's all inside you
You'll be twice as baked before you're through

You're not speaking French, but your perspective's "Poly-view"
Welcome to the Monkey House

We will appear
Three times a year
For the country manors(Manners?) we find here

Silas and Con
Will carry on
Even though the gibbons have all gone

You can still hear the monkeys as you take a dump at dawn
(They say:)

You know you want to
That's how the monkeys taunt you
When the monkeys haunt you
Better do it, pronto
I don't think I ought to
You know, I never thought to
Too scared I'd get caught to
My mama told me not to

-Lem Roby


She sat on the beach with the bag she got from the plane
She thought that she owed me a letter to try and explain
But the sun was so warm and the words were a drag
So she threw a handful of sand into the bag
And mailed it to me, now I sit here racking my brain

Now it may be all she had to share
To say she wished that I was there
She sent all her love to me in a barfbag full of sand

Now I've known her to be thoughtless but never unkind
But I defy anyone to totally fathom what goes on in her mind
I'd hate to think I'd interpreted wrong
Is it some obscure reference to a Bob Dylan song?
I never knew her to be poetically inclined

We just did the best we could
With whatever came to hand
She sent all her love to me in a barfbag full of sand

The sand and the bag couldn't cost that much to ship
If she wrote a love letter in the sand, well it didn't survive the trip
She's out in the sun and I know where I stand
Gonna work it all out in a an Amphibian Band
Time to go onstage and beat my guitar with a whip

She's on the beach, I hope she burns
I don't much care if she returns
She sent all her love to me in a barfbag full of sand
A barfbag full of sand

-Lem Roby


when you live knocked down
Inside a hole you think you didn't dig
Where you get nothing
Cause that's all you're gonna give

Heart's disillusioned
Imprisoned in fear
The dream of a better time
Floats in your tears
But there's hope for tomorrow
Better believe it's your life
It's your time
It's your mind
And all those bad habits
It's time to clean house

When the sun comes up
You still have one more chance
When the sun drops down
It don't do no good to look back
Pain and destruction
Coming into my life
And all this negativity
Just don't seem right

But there's hope for tomorrow
Better believe it's your life
It's your time
It's your mind
And all those bad habits
It's time to clean house

-James Cornolo


Road work ahead, expect delays
Hemp speaker, set the amp ablaze
I don't want your pity or your praise
Amphibious always
24 hour water damage

Disinclined to bother with the hype
Rumble fish a-bubbling in the pipe
Come on in my backyard, baby you know the time is ripe
And you're the Amphibious type
24 hour water damage

Waiting for the other shoe to drop
Please could we take it from the top
I dreamed that I was kissing you, I didn't want to stop
Somebody get a mop!
24 hour water damage

Road work ahead, expect delays
(go slow, don't blow a tire)
Hemp speaker, set the amp ablaze
(oh,no, my amp's on fire)
I don't want your pity or your praise
(now you're a fucking liar)
Amphibious always
24 hour water damage

-Lem Roby